Confessions of an ex-model
I'll go deeper into the story of my father wound and how it ties in into exchanging my physical appearance for attention and money to fill the void in my heart.
Hey everyone, it’s story time.
I’ll jump back & forth in my life and glue bits and pieces together for you. I hope it makes sense, but I’m sure it will be interesting.
Whether you are a (ex)model or not, this might give you a lot of valuable insights because we live in a time where everyone is kind of posing to a certain extent and well, let’s dig a bit deeper into what happens inside of us when we do that.
You can guess it has a lot to do with self-worth, validation, attention, creating barriers to protect whats hidden inside, filling emptiness with dopamine, seeking love outside of ourselves, running away from reality, abandoning our pain for instant gratification,…etc.
We live in a sick society and that makes us have sick minds. Yep, it’s the hard truth.
I had to swallow that pill too.
But it’s liberating, truly.
Try to wrap your head around it.
See if you can see what I am saying.
And when I mean ‘sick’ I am mostly referring to anti-natural behaviour.
Self-destructing, self-harming, self-loathing,…etc.
Well, let’s go down memory lane.
Ever since I was a young girl I had a pretty face & I got complimented for it and even praised for it. It wasn’t something I asked for. Yet until much later it wasn’t clear to me how much damage was done on deeper levels somehow because of it.
People generally believe that being ‘pretty’ has many more privileges or benefits dan downsides. And altho there are privileges given, it doesn’t always help because it makes you a slave of something that isn’t truly in your highest good as a human being.
It somehow captures you to believe you have to be someone or something to others that you’re not. That is as far an abuse as anything because once you loose touch with yourself, you’re going down the wrong path in life. And from this place you attract all sorts of things that you don’t really need or want.
Leading up to this story goes the previous post where I talk about my abandonment wound with my father. Go read that one first if you haven’t yet. It’s worth it.
I never had an anxious attachment (to people or things) so it didn’t feel to me as if I had abandonment issues. I took on my mom’s defence mechanisms of believing that I could do it all alone and that I am a strong and independent woman. Altho my mom’s defence mechanism came from another place because she actually had the best dad in the world (for her). So mine became a bit more of a tortured and twisted version of that defence mechanism.
Let me explain it to you in more depth.
I needed so much love from a man, because of the absence of my dad, that I became a slave to attention. But it was so deeply hidden that I never knew it was so. The first one who would love me, would win me. It was an endless trap of long relationship after long relationship with harsh, short and cold endings and no hard feelings.
I was never alone for a long time.
I had no attachment when the end came near. I also had a very deep repressed anger about being abandoned which made me somehow need men to love me as a matter of life & survival but at the same time I rejected them and from what I saw growing up, I could easily detach from someone I used to love. It simply wasn’t safe to be needy because that would hurt too much.
I chose a path of freezing my emotions and being a detached person.
I was a survivor who charmed people to love me because I was deeply hurt by not knowing my father.
Many painful and some abusive things happened on relational matter and I really lost myself often. I was disconnected from my body and sex was a coping mechanism and an escapism. I had secured love and attention easily but my barriers and protections were so high that there was a fair portion of drama.
Because when you’re not really feeling open and trusting towards someone (on a deep and subconscious level), they will also treat you that way. They’ll mirror it back to you.
I would be like why don’t you trust me ? While deep down I wasn’t trusting them.
I was somehow often separated by a split in my being. On one hand I had access to my higher mind and I was pretty developed in my thinking and I had some good emotional awareness (I thought).
It was true that I could contemplate deeply and that brought me far ahead of my age but the issue is that from a programmed mind, you think programmed thoughts.
We have been thought inversions of polarity, we’ve been fed that sex sells, we are being lured by a million paths, options & people,… The world is a free place where anyone can be anything these days. But it’s harmful to the traditional union of man and woman. Creating holy union and procreate in a sacred & natural world.
When you’re programmed by your mom, society or friends and family, you think that way. So within the confines of what my mind was capable of, I could navigate deep thoughts, but they still trapped me. I was another product of this human industry where we are trapped to believe that we’re free. But we’re not free if our minds think the programmed thought we are being fed.
I wasn’t free altho I fought so hard for my freedom.
We don’t really understand that freedom is not something you seek outside yourself by chasing things & doing whatever we want. No, freedom happens inside our minds when we de-program ourselves. This is the strangest path of all the ones I’ve walked and it’s hard to explain because I’m literally still discovering it.
You can literally be free in the most horrible situation, because it’s all in the mind.
I’m honest, I needed 3 heavy ceremonies with my shaman before I started to see the things I didn’t want to see. I’ve been hitting the walls of my reality really hard.
It didn’t come here all by myself. We’re not supposed to do it all by ourselves.
So, back to modelling.
In my humble opinion, we’re all a bit too self-absorbed in this online & fashion world.
We care too much about being liked.
We seek to be a fantasy person that no one can touch but everyone dreams of.
Seeking attention like that is a form of prostituting your flesh.
I say it because I faced this reality within myself..
We think it adds something but in reality we are paying with our souls.
Piece by piece we loose a part of ourselves to the fabrication of making all humans think, act, behave and dress the same way.
I look around and I see beautiful girls, showing off their figures, dressing like dolls, smoothening their lips and fluttering those damsel eyes and I think, oh dear, I was there too for a very long time. It really doesn’t do anything good to anyone.
Why are we seeking attention that we don’t care about ?
None of the compliments I received in my job as a model touched my heart.
None of the compliments on social media made me feel better about myself.
None of the followers and eyes on me made me feel more loved.
But as a model, we’re being payed to be sexy, young & desirable. So what else can you expect from someone ? We love being adored, all of us do. It’s normal to desire love and attention. But the big mistake is that we seek it outside and we loose ourselves in the process. And like that we keep reproducing the programming that makes other people feel worse, uglier, more unlovable and not good enough.
I feel sad that I’ve fed this industry. I know many people looked up to me, but i was hardly the right example.
How many people thought I was perfect and they are not ?
How many people tried to be like me ?
I don’t see fashion the same way anymore. I never felt home there but despite that, I stayed for 12 years. I kept trying to fit in a box that I not only didn’t fit in, no, it was even a harmful thing to do to myself and others.
But I forgive myself for not knowing better.
I look back and I see a girl who was lost and felt certainly broken. Heart broken and even pieces of her soul were lost too. I am still healing and recovering from that but I feel held, guided, loved and supported.
I feel embraced by life.
I am learning to trust life.
I am prioritising peace & silence and I am accepting it as healthy instead of a boring.
I am re-wiring myself.
I’m going to close this letter with a little prayer to all my sisters, fellow women and men on this path of self-realisation.
“You are a God sent gift to this world. You have been invited to discover yourself here. Don’t run away from what you see around you, for it is all a mere reflection of who you also are. None of the things outside of you are truly separate from you. What you resist & fight outside of you, is actually an internal fight. Put your arms down and stop fighting. Learn to love yourself and the other. We are all created in God’s image and we’re all loved and held. We must be kind to one another. If you feel lost and broken, you have allowed yourself to be a fallen angel. Grow your wings back and fight your own demons, not other people. Seek help, ask for assistance, talk about your pain and let the tears come out. Be a warrior of the heart and never give up on it. You’ll close your heart off over and over until you crack it open over and over again. At some point you will master re-opening your heart after every heartbreak. Don’t loose this capacity, cultivate it. There is always a way forward if you follow your heart. You are here to be a gift to the world, don’t let anyone take that from you. Your pain becomes your medicine. Speak about what you learned. Let it be known that humans can rise above this sickness that we’re being fed. One by one we remember who we are. Let there be light. Shine bright my loves.”
The memories I honour and respect but that no longer hold any value for me anymore :
I never recognised myself in any work I did.
How am I supposed to figure out who I am, what I stand for and what is in coherence with my Soul and my Higher Self if I am constantly playing roles?
I look back and I don’t recognise myself.
This girl and this woman has died so many times by now.
She really thought that being naked in front of the camera meant that she was free and liberated. RIP girl.
I hope you can feel into this message with compassion for yourself and others and that you don’t shame/judge yourself or others. (note to myself as well).
But be wary of the trap of over-sexualisation.
My role models were britney spears, christina aguilera, the pussycat dolls, shakira,… and look what came from those people. Where are they now ?
Far away from their true selves.
Plastic people.
They are products of marketing for this sick world programming.
They are not role-models that convey any values.
Who are the role models for the kids today ?
… I would say that all of the mass programming has gotten sexually way more abusive and aggressive and all I want to say every mother and father out there is this :
“Don’t underestimate the evil out there that beams through their screens. Don’t underestimate their pain and the things that hurt them. For they will seek love and attention the way they are being shown through the media. Values, unity & love in family is the most important act of rebellion that we all need in this world. We need awakened families with a holistic perspective of health and life with a feral protection against the programming if this world. We’re truly at war and we need to defend the purity of our children.”
Much love, Djaja
Thank you ❤🙏