Who am I if really no one is watching ?

A bittersweet goodbye.

Well, it’s a question that’s been circulating through my body for a while now but I kept entertaining the other option, even tho it was minimal.

Recently I reached a point of saturation and overwhelm with Instagram that made me question everything. I felt scattered.
And I have big dreams for myself, real ones, close to my heart and my soul.

Somehow the noise of the world, the lack of a clear direction in my online life + the desire to nurture the new seeds that have been planted resulted in an abrupt change.

I reached 31k followers on Instagram and I have no idea what kind of following I have because I grew these numbers with many different kinds of output.

Some from modelling, then people who love my dancing videos, people who found me through my couple videos with my partner, some came from my Talisman page, some were there for my mind and the philosophical monologues I posted, some were there for my miscarriage reel that went viral…

It was a mix of everything and everyone and I couldn’t understand what to do with it.
There are many people on my page for many different reasons. It became too messy for me to make anything out of it.

I decided to retrieve myself from the online space as I am clearly deconstructing my being & my life.

It can be very messy… sometimes I enjoy the process of dying, letting go and even destroying things for new things to come but sometimes I don’t want to follow the impulses that I am receiving.

All I do is following the signal, making the choiceness choices.

I willingly closed my online shop and my personal Instagram but I am realising that I kept a thread open here on Substack to somehow still be ‘witnessed’ by some of you.

To still exist, in a way, through the eyes of the ‘other’.

To share, to practice, to story-tell, to keep contact with some of you, to keep growing ‘something, somewhere’.

But in my heart I felt it from the moment I quit instagram… I had this little contraction in my body when I was still promoting my membership.

But somehow the endless possibilities and ideas that flow through me to make it possible, don’t outweigh the pressure of this signal.

I have tried and tried and tried and my first class on protection and grounding magic, stays in my drafts.

I can’t publish it, I can’t finish it.

And it kind of sucks.

I’m going to be honest with you, I felt like really doing this from my inner most being, alongside some of you. I don’t feel Substack is ‘bad’ for me like instagram was. To the contrary, I love reading the articles on here. I love this space.

But the journey ahead of me wants to have ALL eyes and ears out of it.
I am being asked to unplug for it all.
From everyone.

No one can be let in on it.
That’s how sacred it is.
That’s how big it is.
That’s how much privacy it needs.
That’s how tender and vulnerable this state is.
It’s just not the right time.
I have to close myself off from the online.

No one is invited for this rebirth.

In less that 1,5 months I am supposed to give birth and I feel it’s the completion of something bigger.

I might not be physically pregnant anymore but I am definitely pregnant of something else that wants to birth soon. It is a tender time for me, energetically.

Today was the day I was going to rise the price of my membership because as I said, I am full of ideas, energy and creativity and I wanted to really make it mean something and dedicate my time to it.

It’s somehow a bit embarrassing to be honest.
It feels like I just can’t complete what I start.
It’s probably something I will have to just sit through and feel.

But I know it’s only the judgement I place upon myself because in essence, I know the magic that is behind all of this and there must be a bigger purpose.
I feel it everywhere.
Even if it is messy.
It’s a process of death, decay.
It’s not pretty.

There’s also a lesson in it for me and for all of you who read this you know.
Fuck around and find out. Really.

We must be willing to fail in life.
It’s not about perfection.
It’s as if people nowadays are terrified to fail at anything.
But that’s not what life is about.

It’s about doing things anyway, even when they are not perfect, whole or complete.

And then make the right adjustments, when necessary.
Sometimes it’s literally by facing the wall head on and realise it wasn’t solid.

I KNEW this moment would come because I FELT it since the beginning.
But I ignored it.
I was really hoping I could make this work.

I didn’t want to stop existing all the way, online.
I didn’t want to let go, everything.
But here I am, accepting the fate 😂

Well, it’s a descend.
And that is a sacred chapter in life.
I don’t want to miss it by resisting it.
I am here for the initiations.
I love being shaken up and listen to the signals like a savage good girl.

But yes, the truth is that sometimes it’s harsh and intense.

I have started off this journey of withdrawal like a tsunami rushing on the shore but I am definitely feeling like a small wave now.

Just gently rubbing the sand that moves underneath me.

Until it all becomes quiet.
Going into the void.
It feels strangely freeing to become so deeply undone.
To become invisible without a voice and nothing to give except my presence in the moment.

To not ‘build’ anything online & not consume other people’s ‘content’.
I love going through my mails and picking like 1 good article on substack and leave it at that. I most often don’t even know the people who wrote it.
Never even seen their faces.
I like that. It is really about the story, not the image and that’s refreshing.
That’s why I am here too.

But anyway, it is time to go now.
The 22nd of October, another lucky day.
Enjoy yourselves and be safe loves.

I’ll be back <3

Djaja